


Searching With Nowhere to Run to

by FaerieBerii



Series: All the Pain Was Worth It [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaerieBerii/pseuds/FaerieBerii
Summary: Dean and Cas are... idiots. Stereotypical, lovesick idiots. Like, crappy rom-com, Hallmark movie, pull your head out of your asses, idiots. Because boy loves boy, but neither can tell the other those three simple words.All because they both were playing for keeps.Takes place during Chapter 15 of It's Easier to Run. Could be standalone.
Relationships: Castiel/Benny Lafitte, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: All the Pain Was Worth It [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/155537
Kudos: 3





	Searching With Nowhere to Run to

**Author's Note:**

> So the kiddo is out camping, I'm off work, so I bring out the torture. Plus there's Phill. I don't care if it's Genesis, it's still Phil freaking Collins!!! Dishing out the feels 😭 and the hurts and all the things that make me write shit like this.
> 
> Stay well out there and take care of each other!  
> Fae Bee 🧚🏻🌈

_I know you're going but I can't believe_  
_It's the way that you're leaving_  
_It's like we never knew each other at all_  
_It may be my fault_  
_I gave you too many reasons, being alone_  
_When I didn't want to_

“Blueberry pancakes and sausage coated in an unhealthy amount of syrup, with a cup of OJ.” Castiel pouted at the absence of his coffee in his favorite cup. He gave him best puppy dog eyes, in hopes of getting the offensive orange liquid swapped out for some caffeinated goodness. No such luck this morning. His “I guess we’re a thing now” boyfriend had put his foot down on all the sugar he was getting in his morning diet. Well, the term ‘diet’ was loosely worded around the apartment.

Cutting off a piece of pancake and stuffing it in his mouth, he glared at Benny while thoroughly enjoying the taste of the blueberries bursting in his mouth, turning his teeth a lovely shade of purple. “That cup was not made for OJ. It’s a COFFEE cup. C-O-F-F-E-E cup. Not OJ. Not juice. Just coffee. And I want my coffee! Not no stinking juice,” he crossed his arms across his chest, syrup dripping from his fork and onto his sweater.

Benny sighed and grabbed another cup from the cabinet above the coffee maker. The sound of the machine starting, that familiar gurgle of percolating, began filling the air with the deep aroma of coffee, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Meanwhile, Benny set to work on the stove, cooking up some milk, chocolate syrup, and brown sugar. Once it was all dissolved and the coffee was completed, he poured the liquid along with some vanilla into the chocolate mixture. He then ladled it into the empty mug and topped it with whipped cream and placed it in front of Castiel.

Who had finished his breakfast and now looked at the drink wearily. Because he had to agree… that _was_ a lot of sugar. Maybe he had a problem with his sweet tooth.

Hugging Castiel from behind, Benny kissed the top of his head. Then his ear, nibbling on the lobe and making Castiel whimper. And finally, he stepped out from behind him, turning Castiel’s head so he could kiss those syrupy lips.

He finally saw the appeal of syrup on just about everything.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Life was getting back to its semi-normal state. Whatever that was. Or used to be. He had cut back to two beers a day. He started spending more time with Ben because the kid didn’t deserve to have his dad being an asshole over something like this. He even started treating Lisa like she existed, instead of being some figure in his life that was standing in his way. She had never appeared that way before.

Castiel had clouded his judgment.

Shaking his head to clear out the lie, he finished up the burgers on the grill. He yelled for everyone to come grab one and stepped away as friends of theirs (mainly Lisa’s) huddled to fix their plates. As everyone ate there were compliments to the cook, Lisa joking that she was the only one who got to kiss him, and Ben complaining about wanting chicken nuggets. Dean told him he couldn’t grill chicken nuggets and that fast food places were closed on Labor Day (okay so he wasn’t above lying about that.)

When the house was finally empty, and Ben was asleep with a stomach full of the burger he’d given into eating, Lisa and Dean sat on the back deck. The sound of crickets would normally have annoyed him, but it filled in the stagnant silence, so they were okay in his book right now. Come to think of it… Dean closed his eyes and relaxed in his Adirondack chair, letting the sound fade, and be taken over by the warm breeze. They really needed to invest in an outdoor sound system, he had the perfect music in mind for times like this.

“So how are things at work? You rarely talk about it anymore, not like you used to.” Dean was jarred from his thoughts, having forgotten that Lisa was outside with him. He opened his eyes and rolled his head to look over at her.

She wasn’t quite as relaxed as he was. In fact, she was sitting as upright as possible in the sunk in chair, her legs crossed, looking at him expectantly. Rolling his head back to look straight ahead, he closed his eyes again, “been okay. Same shit, different day. ‘My car is making a weird sound.’ ‘I need an oil change.’ ‘A light came on.’ ‘I hit a pothole, and this fell out, I think it’s important.’ You know, typical day.

“How about the café? Anything new planned for fall? This is the start of your busy season isn’t it?” He wished he had a beer as Lisa began to rattle on about pumpkins, coming up with something that wasn’t that dreaded Starbucks PSL crap, baked goods (Dean did interject with the suggestion of pumpkin pie on that), and at the mention of Cas he stiffened.

“It’s gonna be hard this season without Castiel around. These new kids are fine, and they’ve been trained well enough, but I don’t know if they’re ready. And Castiel had a way with the customers that none of my other employees do… even after all these weeks, I’m constantly asked about him. Maybe I can get someone to beg him to come back.”

Dean slid out of the chair and without saying anything headed inside and straight to the kitchen. Opening the fridge he grabbed a beer, the last one he noticed, and headed upstairs. Lisa called after him, he heard her closing the door and locking it, turning off the lights through the downstairs and then following upstairs after him.

Finishing up the beer he striped and got ready for bed. He’d shower in the morning, right now he just needed to sleep, because he thought he was getting past it… past him.

Lisa entered the bedroom and grabbed her pajamas, turned off the bedroom light, and went to take a shower. When she returned, he was passed out, snoring.

Just like every night.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

He hadn’t realized he’d been shying away from leaving the apartment until Benny mentioned it. Then breaking down about that night and snuggling into his hug. It was so comforting, and he hadn’t felt that kind of hug in so long. Sure he and Benny had grown closer, but this hug meant something that no one else had ever given him.

It meant security. The promise of being there.

And he wanted it always.

Could he be in love with Benny… finally?

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Dean tried to act normal with Benny but eventually gave up. He became distant with his best friend, everything was about work, and if Benny offered to hang out after work, he was shot down with a cold shoulder.

Ben wanted to go back to Castiel’s for Halloween. Even though he hadn’t gotten any treats last year, he’d still gotten a kick out of how the guy wasn’t afraid to put his Dad in his place. But Dean drove past the apartment complex and into a different neighborhood.

Ben got over his disappointment when he was given king size candy bars at these houses.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Benny might as well have moved in. Castiel wasn’t sure he even went to his own apartment anymore. He had his own drawer and pillow, toothbrush and bodywash, coffee cup, and type of coffee. He wanted to bring it up but decided to leave it be and not disturb the flow of things, things were going naturally it seemed.

It was a week before Thanksgiving and they’d already done their meal plan, next up was grocery shopping. Pulling up to the store, noticing that it was getting pretty crowded, they decided to split the list to cover more ground. So jumping out the truck, Benny with the top half, Cas the bottom, they went in the store with their game faces on.

With shopping cart ready, Cas headed toward the middle of the store in search of the baking items. Of course, so focused on finding the right type of flour, he banged right into someone else’s cart, bringing him back into his surroundings.

The other person seemed to be in the same predicament, staring at the bags of sugar, not paying attention. Jerking their head up, eyes going wide, they backed away.

“Dean, it’s okay. I think we can be civil in the grocery store. At least, I hope so…” he tilted his head in question. Dean nodded wordlessly, causing Castiel’s eye to twitch. Reaching down he grabbed a random bag of flour and put it in his shopping cart. “So how are things? I’ve heard the shop’s been busier than usual.”

“It’s fine,” he mumbled, something like a mix of anger and hurt flashing across his face. He then stalked away without a word, leaving Castiel to stare at the space he once stood.

With a sigh, Castiel weaved his way up and down the aisles in search of the rest of his items. He didn’t run into Dean again, only connecting with Benny to double check they’d gotten the correct items.

His run in with Dean remained on his mind, but he never let Benny know he saw him.

A bottle stood nestled between his legs, the brown paper bag concealing and revealing it at the same time. He wasn’t numb enough yet and the revelation of his feelings was still too fresh. Seeing Castiel had just removed a layer that he had started to build up and now he needed to start over. He took another swig of the liquid, welcoming the familiar burn of amber liquid.

Turning the key and starting the ignition, he drove to his motel. He’d go to the 24-hour grocery store later tonight. No one he knew would be up that late and he could be left in peace to shop for his crappy microwave meals without questions.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Castiel finally had someone say those three little words. After all these years, of feeling worthless and used, someone wanted him for him. The moment kept playing through his head on repeat, a smile on the edge of his lips, trying it’s damndest to form. It had been perfect, hadn’t it?

Benny, the same spot they’d started forming a friendship the year before, on the same holiday, with a confession like that. What else could he have asked for?

Stepping out onto the balcony he looked over the parking lot, searching in disappointment. Why would he be here? Castiel had pushed him away too many times and now he was gone for good. And besides, he had Benny. Benny, who loved him, and wasn’t afraid to love him. Benny, who was only his, and no one else’s. Benny, who was the safe choice.

Yep, Benny.

Stepping back inside he locked the balcony door and went to his bedroom where Benny was waiting.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Nothing good ever came from December.

Fucking Christmas carols, candy canes, and the _glitter_! Was it necessary to put that shit on everything just for the sake of some now over commercialized holiday? Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Dean grabbed the lesser of all the evils and headed toward the tree toppers with his plain gold/red tree ornaments. The tiny pre-lit tree was the perfect size for his motel room. It could sit on the table in the corner with the gifts he’d be getting Ben.

Speaking of… He stopped abruptly and grabbed some gift bags (sans glitter), throwing them in his cart. The gift wrapper had always been Lisa, and she wouldn’t be helping him this year. Not after everything that had happened. Not after he’d confessed…

“Dear, we’re not doing blue ornaments! They’re so overused… who isn’t doing them? Why can’t we get the green ones? OH! Green and gold would look awesome, don’t you think?” came Castiel’s voice from the aisle he’d just left. He couldn’t help but blush at the comment about the green ornaments, but he wanted to break a snow globe over the pet name for Benny.

Dean skedaddled, that deep chuckle of Benny’s becoming way too close. “Okay Cher, whatever you want,” and he swears he can hear the two of them getting close to making out in the aisle. Though they’re probably just doing some good ‘ole eye fucking. Which is no better.

He hopes they get stuck with the glitter ornaments. But then he thinks about Cas covered in green glitter, like some fucking Poison Ivy cosplayer.

And that’s how Dean gets a kink about Cas dressed like Poison Ivy - red hair and all. With Dean being tied up with those vines too. And would Cas want him as Batman or Harley Quinn…

Fuck he needed to get out of here!

He races to the register to purchase what few items he’d already gotten, ignoring the fact that he’d been spotted by the two lovebirds.

He was almost done with his Christmas shopping. One more gift for Ben, his gift for Sam and Jess, and one for Cas that would probably never be given.

Hands in his pockets, he sets a leisurely pace through town. It was a nice winter day for once, the sun was shining and it wasn’t ‘freeze your balls off’ cold, just enough nip in the air to turn the tips of your ears red.

Entering the first shop, he browsed around, in no particular hurry. Whistling some stupid cursed carol about a couple who kept missing each other through the year, he finally found the present he’d been looking for. Getting it gift wrapped there (because why wouldn’t he?) he made his way on to his next stop.

After a couple of more stops, he finally found all but one gift – Castiel’s.

Staring at the ground, bags in hand, he ended up walking past Shot in the Dark. He would have kept walking if it weren’t for the fact that he caught a glimpse of Cas and Benny out the corner of his eye. And why the hell was Benny on one knee…

Dropping his bags he yanked the door open, Benny’s voice filling the room. “I told you on Thanksgiving that you were it for me. Every word I said that day was true, Castiel. I’ll be there for you through your toughest times, and I’ll be there to share in your greatest times. I want to be there for it all, cher. So will you marry me, Castiel James Milton?”

Dean felt his insides swap places and flip flop. He saw red and the room spun. Anger and betrayal ran through him. So he shut down well, mentally shut down, and stopped thinking about what he was doing. Autopilot was now engaged.

“LIKE HELL HE WILL!” A part of him stirred, saying that was probably not a good idea, but he steamed forward, toward the man he loved. Stealing that kiss was something he should regret but he doesn’t think he ever will. Because as stupid as it was, that kiss proved more than he could say at the time. And it proved what Cas couldn’t say either.

_It seems I've spent too long_  
_Only thinking about myself_  
_Now I want to spend my life_  
_Just caring 'bout somebody else_

**Author's Note:**

> Work title comes from the song "[In Too Deep](https://youtu.be/qQIO3pBFfXI)" by Genesis


End file.
